This year I didn’t make a resolution to lose weight, I wanted to and honestly it was one of the first things that came to my head when I was thinking about what my resolutions would be.

I wanted to get healthier, which in part includes loosing weight, but to me means so much more. I want to look after my mental health better, eat better, drink less and exercise more. Make better changes.

I have put on over 23kgs of weight since my diagnosis of depression and anxiety. I would like to lose some of that, but I would rather focus on my fitness rather than an actual weight number.  So I joined a gym and so far this week I have been 5 days out of five. Next week I will be starting some PT sessions as well. Not many just 3 to start with to make sure everything is in the right direction. I am also going to make a deal with my trainer. I will let her weigh me, but she’s not to tell me my weight. I don’t want to know, and more importantly I don’t want my weight, my number to be the focus. I just want to get fit and healthy, learn to run again.

Which brings me to today, my gym is only new to town. its one of those 24hr gyms and it has no classes. its great and because of that it also means it was a little cheaper than a lot of the other gyms. But today, this after noon rather than mowing my lawn I will be making an unplanned trip to the gym, because I have a date with the treadmill, you see the gym is holding a 24hr treadmill challenge where entrants pay $30 to register and ALL the money goes to a local family in need and doing it tough.

I wasnt going to sign up for the challenge but I thought to myself what excuse do I really have? Honestly? If you want the truth, if it weren’t from the ongoing support and help from my family and friends it would very most likely be me needing that. So on my way home from the shops we stopped in and signed me up for my half hour at 4:30.

I’m actually thinking i might tack on a second half hour because I’m not just running for myself, but for others….

The last time we were all together was at My sister’s wedding in 2004. 18 months ago plans were made for us all to be at mum and dad’s for christmas 2012 rain hail or shine.

My Eldest sister Kathy, her hubby Christ and Kayla my Eldest nice (11) Arrived on Friday 21st, and were able to celebrate Alexandra’s 8th Birthday, always a chaotic affair for my little Christmas Eve baby, but wonderful having them their sharing our day.

The most colourful cake I could find

With an outfit to match

Emma, Scott, Alana (8) and Ebony (6) arrived very late Christmas Eve (10pm). It made for a very late night getting our Santa on.

 

Christmas Morning I was able to welcome both my sisters to our home for the very first time. The house was full of excited children, sisters and brother (in-laws) catching up and two grandparents supervising it all. Soaking it all in. Having all eleven of them round my table, was something truly special.

The rest of the morning was spent exchanging gifts and tackling the mountain of presents. There were squeals of excitement, faces full of surprise and laughter, by the bucket loads.

Lunch was spent at my parents where a feast of complete indulgence was consumed. Guys we had a Turduckan. I shit you not.

The kids swam and play, water fights were won and lost. The cousins all together played so well, and just enjoyed each other. It was like they, always were together. The whole day had this normalness to it, the whole family was just in sync like it was something we did all the  time.

The day was also filled with tears, but unlike that Christmas 9 years ago, tears of joy and happiness. It was overwhelming.

The family has all gone now, but not without a whole heap of precious memories.

It’s no secret I suffer from depression and anxiety, it’s a struggle I have had for many years. August 2012 I had my toughest battle to date, it’s a battle now I honestly don’t know how I came through. I keep my struggles with depression close to my chest. I become quiet, I stay in, I see my friends less, I sleep less, wake up later. My showers are longer because it’s the only place I can cry without fear of Alexandra noticing. Towards the end of August my mum noticed the signs, she put her foot down, If I didn’t seek additional help immediately. She was going to make me. I made a promise to her, to myself and silently to Alexandra, just let me get away and then I will go to the Dr and my Psychologist as soon as I come back. I knew where I wanted to go, who I needed to see and I also knew I needed Alexandra by my side. So 6:am one morning we boarded a plane and headed down south to the coast, to Tweed Heads, to my sister Emma. I needed to be around her and her family. Alexandra (8) is close of age to her cousins Alana (9) and Ebony (6). Those girls where there together, the happiness and friendship, it’s infectious.

Every day we went for a walk down this small road opposite their driveway, some times all of us, sometimes just Alexandra and I, and sometimes just myself.

That small road turned into an ally way, surrounded by small holiday homes.

The we entered the small bushland of native australian plants, brimming with wild bush turkeys, sea birds and rabbits.

Down a well trodden path, round the bend, having gone all of 250m in distance since leaving my sisters driveway.

Then the path would clear suddenly and head down hill, the rough bush fall slowly mixing from leaves to sand so soft and white, your shoes were ripped off in all haste, as the sky opens up and the ocean peers through the few remaining trees.

over a sand dune surrounded by lush beach vegetation shoes in hand, we’s rush walking, but our hearts beating a little faster in anticipation.

Then we’d sit, almost an anti-climax, nut more to really let it soak in, inhale the salt air deep into our lungs.

I lost count of the minutes an hours spent on that beach often in contemplation, about the big and small things. It wasn’t just me I would often catch others doing the same, walking along water and sand beneath their toes. Watching kids be just that, Kids. Wanting to join in on their fin and games, then just doing it because sometimes we all wish we were kids again.

I’ll tell you this, I lost myself in August, but that somewhere along that holiday, at some point. I found not only myself, but the strength I needed to get the help, and the will to get well. I found a me I have now learnt to love, respect and admire.

I gave myself a few simple resolutions for the new year, To turn the TV off one day a fortnight and explore with Alex, to write a letter to my closest and dearest friends and to take better care of me. Because if I have learnt anything from all of this it’s that my friends near and far, are ALWAYS there for me when I fall, Alex is my strength that keeps me going and I don’t take better care of me then I can’t be the mother of friend I want to be.

Its been a long time since I last posted, actually the last time I indeed posted was June 20th 2012, over five months ago. Why? I honestly don’t know. I had so many things lined up, I was attending my first blogging conference, worked with local businesses and I even had my first sponsored review.

I look back at my last post and it was so full of hope, excitement and happiness. I think that may have been my peek, I went to the conference and had an amazing time, I met so many wonderful and inspiring bloggers. But then as soon as I walked in my door, something inside of me switched. I no longer wanted to blog, I had no desire my mojo didn’t just disappear it completely died in the arse. I was lost

Lately I have been wondering how all my blogging friends are going. I have still been very active on twitter, although not as much as I used to. It’s just not my priority. The last few months have seen a few major changes in our lives. The kind of changes that have been, at times overwhelming and damned scary. But they have been changes for the better, for me, for my daughter and for the both of us.

I was made redundant in my big corporate job, office restructure meant they needed a qualified CPA to do my role because of additional duties they were giving to that position. I could have done the work, but I’m not a CPA. So that was a bit of a trigger, my depression spiralled out of control and after a little denial by me I started back on medication and regular counselling. It was probably at the beginning of October I turned a corner and gave up on the job searching. I focused on the one thing that my resume is lacking. Formal education. Which is where I am now, studying full-time at a local campus doing my Diploma of management. It’s a little scary to be studying, learning again for the first time in two years. But it’s giving me the confidence I need, and helped me turn the corner. Its making me a little more pro active with my life. My house is slowly getting de-cluttered and organised. My confidence is growing after months filled with self-doubt. I even have started a part-time job on the two days im not at TAFE.

And what about that other important person in my life, Alexandra? Well what can I say, in the last five months my little girl has started to grow into a young lady, she carries herself confidently and full of poise and grace. Her intelligence is sometimes frightening, it’s almost as if her mind constantly hungers for knowledge. Last weekend she competed in her end of year Cheer comp. Her team placed 3rd overall, there were 4 age groups ahead of them. Proud? Damned straight I am, next year as she has advanced to another squad she goes to twice weekly trainings. She also starts grade three which means a lot heavier load of homework. She also applied and was accepted in her schools instrumental program, out of 80 applications for her age group she was one of 30 chosen. It seems with that busy schedule we already have we now will have to fit in violin practise. I got asked the other day by one of my mothers friends if I thought the load would be too much for Alexandra, my answer was no. I think the violin lessons are going to be what she needs for her thirst of learning and cheerleading is something she will have been doing for coming up four years now. She see’s cheerleading as fun, she doesn’t think of it as sport or even exercise. To her its her outlet to burn off energy, dance out her feelings. But then again time will tell, I have never pressured her to do anything she doesn’t want to so she will be fine, if not I’ll be there to help her out any way.

Will I keep blogging? Good question, I can’t answer that for you right now, but I wish I could. I will tell you this, it has felt amazing to write and share this with you tonight so perhaps you might hear from me again soon.

Yesterday it seems I was very tired and very cranky and VERY over the whole job search thing. I didn’t mention in yesterday’s post that I had an interview this morning. I didn’t see the point.

I perhaps should have told you guys, because my 8:30 Interview that went till 9;45 saw me getting a phone call at 11:00am offering me the position starting tomorrow.

Contracts have already been sign and everything is official. The role is 38hrs/week permanent full-time with a 3 mont probation period. Its working for one of the largest Auto groups in Townsville as their Accounts Receivable Administrator. Not the kind of role I was after, but a fantastic opportunity with plenty of room to grow/develop and take over the corporate ladder.

I AM EXCITED!

So perhaps this mummy should throw tantrums a little often

I don’t know if it’s because the last 2 weeks I have dropped the ball on blogging,fitness and eating. All I know is I am stuck.

Its like I am trapped underwater trying to swim to the surface, no matter how hard I swim, I can never break through to the fresh air. I am running out of breath, fast.

Life right now isn’t easy. I’m going to put it out there bluntly I am an unemployed single parent trying to not only make ends meet (bye-bye nest egg) but I am trying to stay positive.

The worst thing is there are so many other people worse off than me, people I know. Since loosing my job, I have done nothing but grin and bare it. Be positive, well I am exhausted. It fucking sucks not being able to work, It’s not good for my mental health at all, being idle is not for me. Yes almost daily I will walk for 1.5hrs but then I come home to an empty house. I tidy and clean, but there is only so much I can do.

I want/need a job, right now the job market is very competitive. I am getting interviews all the time, but for some reason despite getting positive reviews there is always that other person who is slightly more experienced or has a better education than I. It’s like I am getting told constantly that im good, just not good enough.Its wearing thin.

This time next week I will be at dinner with my parents as its my 27th birthday. I should be happy, I have come so far yet I am not where I had hoped I would be five years ago. I want a successful career. I want to be a great example, not only for my daughter but others. I honestly feel a little disappointed in myself.

I have another interview tomorrow Morning, 9am The washing and folding is done, so I might go plonk myself on the couch with the last of my campaign and get lost in the TV.

Now before any one worries about my mental health I am off to the Dr tomorrow for a wee chat.  :)

]]> http://strippedbareau.com/2012/06/frustration/feed/ 0 http://strippedbareau.com/2012/06/the-best-ever-birthday-review-and-giveaway/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-best-ever-birthday-review-and-giveaway http://strippedbareau.com/2012/06/the-best-ever-birthday-review-and-giveaway/#comments Wed, 06 Jun 2012 06:49:19 +0000 StrippedBareAU http://strippedbareau.com/?p=467 Continue reading →]]> Product Talk by Nuffnang

Today readers I’m doing something a little different. You see this time last week I got delivery of not one but TWO copies of this charming book

Now first up. I have not been paid to review this book, I was given a copy for myself and a second copy to give away. It is a part of Nuffnang’s Product talk

The reason why I put my hand up to review this book is because of two reasons. One because I am a big advocate on parents reading with their Children. Not only does reading with your child help nurture their reading skills but is also is a wonderful way to connect with your child. I have memories myself of reading with my mum and dad at a young age.

I didn’t tell Alexandra (age 7) the books were coming, did the whole oh look this parcel must be for you. We opened the books when we got home from school and she insisted on reading our copy straight away.

The Best Ever Birthday, written by Louise Fulton Keats and illustrated by Michelle Mackintosh isn’t only a charming children’s story. It also features recipes inspired by none other than Margaret Fulton (OMG hello, HUGE FAN!). The story follows young Lulu, Harry and their pet pooch Nutmeg as they use their imagination to plan Lulu’s impending birthday. Its filled with charming rhymes, imagination and beautiful illustrations. The recipes are simple, practical, FUN and Delicious.

Alexandra and I really loved reading this book together, after we were done we went through the recipes trying to work out what to make over the weekend. After a lot of deliberation we ended up with the following:

Rainbow Star Biscuits

Ham and Cheese Spirals

I had help with the Rainbow Star biscuits from Alexandra then for the Ham and Cheese Spirals we had her two buddies from across the road help out. It was a fun afternoon of baking.

Below is a slide show of our cooking adventures. The recipes were YUM! we are still enjoying the fruits of our labours. We will definitely be cooking them again and I personally (and genuinely) couldnt recommend this book any more. Great for those with kids who want to introduce the to cooking. Or if you are like me and cook all the time with kids a great addition to the book collection.

So if you want it for yourself or for a gift for some one else here’s the good bit. I have one to give away to one of my readers. Entries done through the magic little “raffle copter” below.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

What a week I have had, definitely a week of huge highs and lows. I attempted to seriously step it up this week after meeting with the lovely Bek from Second To None she’s in charge of the Ladies and is a wealth of knowledge.

So Monday morning after walking Miss A to school I was full of energy. Like bouncing off the walls drunk a lot of redbull full of energy. So I just kind of kept going. Walking at a nice steady pace.

Here’s a summary of my walk thanks to runkeeper:

Walking Activity 6.97 km | RunKeeper

It’s a pretty good effort if you ask me. I was in a great positive mood when I started. and when I got home from the walk I was even more pumped with energy. I didn’t want to stop. I hadn’t had my brekky at this point so I made a shake and whilst i was drinking it i dragged my bike down off the rack.

My poor neglected bike whose use has been for the sole purpose of being a gathering place for spider webs and cobwebs. The tires were a little flat nothing a quick pump didn’t fix, I did a quick test ride to check the brake and gear were still good enough and off I went.

Cycling Activity 5.97 km | RunKeeper

A different route to my walk. Its was alright, I think next time I ride I will go a little further. The wind how ever was nasty and I spent most of the ride against it. I got home and by this stage my legs (and bum) were screaming in protest. And me well I was well and truly stuffed.

That evening at cheerleading I got two of the other mums off the bleachers and we had a casual brisk walk around the footy fields. It was much nicer than sitting in the wind.

Walking Activity 3.67 km | RunKeeper

Summary: 10.64km walk 5.97km Ride.

I felt amazing, I made sure i kept moving all day so my muscles didn’t seize. I also soaked in a epsom salt bath that night. Mentally it felt great and fatigue wise I didn’t feel all that tired.

Tuesday was a rest day. I kind of think I deserved it.

Wednesday I woke up feeling very shitty, congested, headachey and a little run down. I still laced up my joggers walked Alex to school and set off again on my route for another 7km walk.

Walking Activity 7.16 km | RunKeeper

As you can tell it was another terrible winter day in Townsville.

I didn’t feel to bad after my walk. I certainly felt a little better and definitely not worse. Another 7km is not a bad effort.

Wednesday was a scheduled rest day.

Friday I had planned another walk/run, unfortunately this didn’t happen. Between the stress of job interview, the build up of the on and off rain we have had all week, not to mention said rain gives me heyfever (yeah I know)After a shitty night sleep, by Friday morning I had probably the worst migraine I have had this year. I woke up and it was manageable, two x day strength nurofen and I drove Alex to school and then did the groceries. By the time I had gotten home from the grocery shop. The nurofen hadn’t word and the migraine had reached its nasty peak. Panadeine Forte and maxalon, If THAT didn’t work I knew it was a trip to the Dr’s for the kind of stuff that’s only injectable.

Thankfully it worked by the time it was time to pick Alex up from school I was much better. We had an early day and night.

I have this weekend been taking it easy. I don’t want to push myself too hard. Weight wise I am the same.

I am not sure if its my head but I feel slightly slimmer particularly around my hips/tummy which is why starting today I am going to take my measurements weekly.

So here we go:

Bust: 97 cm

Waist: 89.5 cm

Hip: 115.5 cm

Thigh: 64 cm

In summary this week has been pretty good considering the illness. I don’t know if it’s because I was unwell but the only problem I have had is more lack of appetite than anything. I really have not been hungry at all. I will try pop in to see Mick at Second to None Nutrition and see what he thinks.

A slight speed bump but still not quite put off yet. Life Changes NOW!

Ok now what… I wandered around the book store glancing at books nothing grabbing me in particular. I looked at the top sellers, and decided I was going to see what all the fuss is about. This whole 50 Shades “mummy porn” phenomenon. Know essentially this was Twilight fan-fiction, my hopes weren’t that high. But hey it could be a nice easy read…

It’s no Mills and Boon, its got a lot of innuendo, that’s a definite, it is a little graphic. Right now I have been sucked in, I’m about 1/3 way through the book. I only started reading. It is intriguing that’s for sure and I have no idea where its going. It’s definitely for the adults so excuse me, blogging can wait tonight.

I have a book to read

When we watch movies together, more often than not I will choose the movie of the night. Some times we will watch a newer movie of Disney or Barbie description, most of the time we might watch something from my childhood.

Last nights movie of choice was none other than

Having watched A Little Princess a few weeks before I suspected she would enjoy, but given we had a later night than usual Friday night and she is fighting off a cold at the moment. I didn’t think we would reach the end of the movie.

Despite feeling crappy and tired, that little girl of mine lay in my lap eyes glued to the TV right till the very end. Soaking up every moment, asking questions and making statements.

I think last night we found a new favourite in one of mine from my childhood.

What were your favorite movies from your childhood?