Most weekend nights we will often be doing the same thing. After dinner chilled out watching a movie. Family movie night, sometimes it’s just Alexandra and I, sometimes my housemate joins us. Some times we have friends and neighbours join us. Last night we didn’t plan movie night as such, it was cold and windy (for Townsville anyway) so after dinner was done and showers had we settled down on the couch for the night.
When we watch movies together, more often than not I will choose the movie of the night. Some times we will watch a newer movie of Disney or Barbie description, most of the time we might watch something from my childhood.
Last nights movie of choice was none other than
Having watched A Little Princess a few weeks before I suspected she would enjoy, but given we had a later night than usual Friday night and she is fighting off a cold at the moment. I didn’t think we would reach the end of the movie.
Despite feeling crappy and tired, that little girl of mine lay in my lap eyes glued to the TV right till the very end. Soaking up every moment, asking questions and making statements.
I think last night we found a new favourite in one of mine from my childhood.
What were your favorite movies from your childhood?
When I got diagnosed with my Neutropenia, I knew that along with treating my mental illness there would more often than not be periods of time that I would be on medication. At times when I was really sick (mentally and physically) it was a substantial amount. My doctor always discussed at length the possible side effects possible and negative. I knew what I was possibly in for, there was how ever one side effect I wasn’t prepared for.
My total lack of sex drive. It didn’t just diminish, it completely disappeared. For me my sexuality as a person has always been a major part of who I am. It no ways defines me, but it was a major part of my every day confidence, physically and personally.
For me sexuality is not defined by the type of person you are attracted to, it is so much more than that. Its knowing yourself, the things the pique your interest, give you the sense of desire to not only be attracted to others but also to ones self. A persons sexuality is a part of who they are, but it in no way defines them. Its what attracts us to a person to fall in love with them and build that relationship. Its what enables us to have desire towards others.
Loosing my sex drive slowly over a long period of time, I feel like I lost my sexuality. The desire towards other people fizzled, the confidence with myself slowly diminished. I started to not find people attractive and more importantly I myself, no longer felt attractive.
I started to turn away dates, offers to be set up. Even physical advances from some one I have had an on and off physical connection with over the last few years I brushed away with a not even interested. I started to not care. It started to show, I let myself go, I know longer took care of the little things, carefully choosing my clothing, picking out undergarments that made me feel great just by wearing them. I went from only wearing heals or cute shoes in public to the same daggy flats or thongs. I would only make an effort with the way I looked if I had to.
Lately, feel like things are starting to change, I am looking at people I would normally find attractive and starting to feel that glimpse of desire. When I get dressed in the morning I am taking a second look in the mirror and stopping to apply some gloss or throwing on a cute accessory. I am taking the time to blow dry my hair after washing it. I almost feel like putting myself back out there on the dating scene.
I just did something exciting for my blog…. But I can’t tell you… Sucks hey…
Today I am feeling better. Better than yesterday, and much better than the day before. Its a start right? The pressure of work is easing off slightly so thats making things better. I am really looking forward to my night out and off tomorrow. Being that its a tweetup (a gathering of twitterers) I may even bring my camera along.
I dyed my hair monday. I couldnt handle my hair cut any more. I *had* to change something. Its now a deep brown red. Very subdued compared to the norm, I will go bright red again.
I am toying with setting up a facebook page for my blog. What do you think?
October is rapidly approaching. It seems this last week of September is just non stop. Bringing with it he chaoticness of October. Bring on November I say
I have so much going on at the moment. Today I had a meeting with my GP, my Psych and my specialist. ALL IN ONE GO… Whoah.. We needed to make a plan to effectively treat both my mental illness and my neurtropenia in a way that compliment each other. A structured plan that covers most situations. This is the best thing that could happen for me right now. I feel like I am finally getting the right support and on the right track.
I also in the next few days have a dinner to attend, a property inspection to clean for, out of town visitor, potential tenant inspecting and maybe moving in Alex is having a sleep over…. Oh yeah that’s from today till Monday
Next month I am helping to host a Tweetup/Girls Night In (more info to come) as well as there is my Dad’s 60th with out of town family coming to visit. Which I have to cook for and accommodate peeps…
So if I am a little stressed and things don’t make sense then excuse me. I will still do my best to be comprehensive and not freak out.
Yesterday I thought I would do something nice for me, take an RDO. I am supposed to have them once a month. I never do, but everything is snowballing for me at the moment and I needed a little time out. I walked to the school with Alex to drop her to vacation care. Went and grabbed a few groceries, met a friend for lunch. Instead of going home and working on my office space, I headed back to the shops. Bugger it my usual hair dresser has been super busy I will just pop in for a trim. I emphasised I only wanted minimal cut of. Tidy the ends trim my bangs please. Which she did, then I trotted off for a mani pedi. All was good. Till I got home and looked in the mirror properly and REALLY checked out the haircut. Its been hacked and hacked bad. I have had my fair share of bad hair cuts. I have worked SO hard into growing my hair out from the pixie cut. This my friends is the most hideous haircut I have ever had. Well it feels like the most hideous any way….
Before: Reowww loving it
Post Hacking: Sad Face
Firstly. The fucked up my bangs, cut them Tooo wide so they look ridiculous. Secondly, they cut of over 2 inches WTF!!!! Thirdly, its not even close to even. I am mostly angry about my bangs or my fringe. It was perfect. The rest will grow out… my fringe will too, eventually. Until it does I can see a lot of headbands and scarves in my future. Feel free to send me donations…
LESSON LEARNT NO MATTER HOW DESPERSTE ALWAYS WAIT FOR AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR HAIRDRESSER….
OK I am about a 1/4 way through the office overhaul reno and have reached the hard part. Going through all my filing. I used to be a hoarder, kept every scrap of paper. I have since learnt, how ever I have never gotten rid of ANY paperwork since I have become an adult. So about 8 years of shit.
I started tonight with the oldest stuff. I manky and gross expandable file/folder, I threw out 99% of it and the folder as well. The 1% is why I am blogging.
I have been in love twice, my first love is Alexandra’s father. As parents we have a great relationship, I would even go as far as saying we’re still good friends. I also get along fabulous with his new wife Michaela, as far as step mums go for Alex I couldn’t have asked for a better one. Your probably wondering why I am bringing up Alexandra’s dad? Well tucked in amongst all the filing was letters and photo’s. Letters from him to me they’re sweet, innocent and full of love. Everything thing a child wants to know about her parents. I haven’t had a romantic feeling towards Jay for over 6 years. Its kinda gross just thinking about it to be honest. But….
Right now they’re sitting on my desk in an envelope. What do I do about them? Should I keep them for her? Do I ask Jay if its alright if I keep them for her. Or do I get rid of them? They don’t really mean anything to me so I want to get rid of them, but what if they will mean something to her?
Well sorry for the lack of posting but hey I work full time and I am responsible for a very demanding 6.5yo girl who is rapidly evolving into a diva/princess/pre-teen. More on that later…
Any hooo back to topic, I am still very committed to giving this blogging thing a go but I have also had to make a few real world changes lately. And whilst they’re probably not all that exciting for you guys thay sort of are for me.
Firstly I have just gotten approval for funded physical rehabilitation. I won’t go into it to much but basically in a nutshell it involves me getting physio from a PT/physiotherapist to develop my fitness level and over all well being. The theory is is if I can get back to a level of fitness it should stop me from having so many health setbacks.
Secondly I am trying to be better organised at home. Being that I now work in the city and start at 8;00am I need to leave the house no later than 7am to drop Alex off at Befoe school care and fight the TSV traffic. So by the time we get home at 5:00 I am exhausted. So I have started a routine of making and freezing lunches for Alex on the weekends. A meal plan, also rather than saving the washing for the weekend I do it every second day. So far its working but I am still as exhausted come friday.
The other change is for Alex being that she’s 7 at the end of the year its time for her to step up more and have a little more responsibility so I with her help we came up with this.
We also got a new addition to the family, meet Sapphire. Hopefully he will last longer than our too gold fish Barbara and Mariah.
Perhaps I should also introduce you to my other child, Winston but I will save that for another day.
Filed under Me, myself and I