When I got diagnosed with my Neutropenia, I knew that along with treating my mental illness there would more often than not be periods of time that I would be on medication. At times when I was really sick (mentally and physically) it was a substantial amount. My doctor always discussed at length the possible side effects possible and negative. I knew what I was possibly in for, there was how ever one side effect I wasn’t prepared for.
My total lack of sex drive. It didn’t just diminish, it completely disappeared. For me my sexuality as a person has always been a major part of who I am. It no ways defines me, but it was a major part of my every day confidence, physically and personally.
For me sexuality is not defined by the type of person you are attracted to, it is so much more than that. Its knowing yourself, the things the pique your interest, give you the sense of desire to not only be attracted to others but also to ones self. A persons sexuality is a part of who they are, but it in no way defines them. Its what attracts us to a person to fall in love with them and build that relationship. Its what enables us to have desire towards others.
Loosing my sex drive slowly over a long period of time, I feel like I lost my sexuality. The desire towards other people fizzled, the confidence with myself slowly diminished. I started to not find people attractive and more importantly I myself, no longer felt attractive.
I started to turn away dates, offers to be set up. Even physical advances from some one I have had an on and off physical connection with over the last few years I brushed away with a not even interested. I started to not care. It started to show, I let myself go, I know longer took care of the little things, carefully choosing my clothing, picking out undergarments that made me feel great just by wearing them. I went from only wearing heals or cute shoes in public to the same daggy flats or thongs. I would only make an effort with the way I looked if I had to.
Lately, feel like things are starting to change, I am looking at people I would normally find attractive and starting to feel that glimpse of desire. When I get dressed in the morning I am taking a second look in the mirror and stopping to apply some gloss or throwing on a cute accessory. I am taking the time to blow dry my hair after washing it. I almost feel like putting myself back out there on the dating scene.